Have you heard of it? I guess I’m out of the loop because I didn’t know rude, disrespectful and uncaring had a new name in the dating game. So for reference…
Ghosting: The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just “get the hint” and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested.
Have you ever had a moment where you’re reading an article you stumbled on and all of a sudden it’s as if the idea lightbulbs are flashing all over the place and what you’re reading is so true you could have written it yourself? Thinking back the majority of the first dates I’ve had in the past two years where I met the guy online have ended with be being ghosted. Whether it was before the first date happened or a few in it’s become socially acceptable. #Growingupagirl isn’t easy, and anyone who says it is… is clearly a man.
As women we’re taught:
- To let the man pursue us.
- To not come off as ‘too interested.’
- To wait until he calls/ texts/ emails first.
These lessons are taught to us not only by our mothers who try to pass on loving advice, we see them played out on our favorite TV shows and movies. There are literally thousands of books written on the ‘art of dating’. I can’t help but feel like this ideal tells young women they should be less. Less caring, less loving, less interested, less intense, less passionate, less amazing… just less. I came to this realization during a long talk with my dear friend Isabel. During our conversation we complained about how we’re the last single ones in our friend groups. After a rant that consisted of me “cryelling” (crying and yelling at the same time, it’s not as easy as it sounds promise) I shouted that I’m tired of being told to be less. This opened the flood gates. We shared with each other all the times we’ve been told we were doing ‘too much’ for our current love interest. Whether it’s showing too much interest or making ourselves too available.
Recently I was bopping around the internet and I came across an article that I’ve fallen in love with. Pardon the crass title but it’s called Fuck Yes or No by Mark Manson. Now, I may be biased because I think Mark’s work is inspired and amazing but reading his article and vowing to follow it’s principles has transformed how I view potential relationships and even friendships. I’m done with being told I need to be less of anything. I’ve started applying the principles from his article to my life and it’s made all the difference.
My challenge for you is to apply the principles of Fuck Yes or No to your life. It won’t be easy at first because if you’re anything like me and allow your self to get your hopes up taking this forward approach can be intimidating. You have to be prepared to call it quits at any time and know that the one your supposed to be with is still out there. But wasting your time with someone who isn’t as into you as you are to them is just that… a waste of time.
A closing thought: You are strong, you are beautiful, you are enough. Never feel like you need to be less of anything, EVER.
An acquaintance just posted this on her Facebook timeline and it’s pretty EPIC. As someone who has always tried to ‘play along with the relationship games’ I’m done.
**Steps up on soapbox**
If a guy isn’t as excited date me as I am to date him then why bother? Really? All it does is lead to me laying awake at night asking myself these stupid questions… “Why didn’t he text?”, “was he really busy?”, “Did I do something wrong?” Enough is enough. I’m worthy of more than a casual nod. I mean half these guys act like they’re doing me a favor… REALLY? Come on now.
It’s never a place I like to be. I work in an industry that could take me out of town with a moment’s notice, part of me loves that and another part of me hates it. My bosses all warned me that I would end up sacrificing life experiences to make it in this industry and my jaded little mind kept saying, yeah well I’ll make it work no matter what. The day came sooner rather than later.
Yesterday I came to the realization that a new work opportunity would be taking me out of town the same weekend as my best friend (of 10 years’) wedding. Now, I use the term best friend loosely, sister is more accurate and I was slated to be the maid of honor. The only thing that made breaking the news to her even worse was that it was April Fools Day… but not an April Fools prank. She kept insisting that it was and finally I had to forward her a photo of my texts with my contact confirming and send a picture of the website showing the dates. It was at that point she didn’t take the “oh I’m so happy for you road” she responded just how I would if she gave me the same news, with disbelief and inconsolable hurt. As much as I wanted to fly back that day and at least be there for the day of, it’s just not feasible. I would have to miss the entire last day of the festival and especially since this is a new company I can’t do that. I need them to see how much ass I kick and how valuable I am.
I can’t quite say if I’m going to regret it when I look back but this could be a big stepping stone for me, and at this point in the game I just can’t turn that down. Every opportunity could open the door to more, and I have to try and be willing to do whatever it takes.
So here’s to my breaking heart and my first time truly choosing work over loved ones.
There are moments in our life that define us, but what can truly be telling of our character is how we handle those moments. I had one of those moments today. The lump in the back of my throat sits blocking unshed tears from rolling down my face. The pain in my heart not completely unbearable but enough to cause an ache in my soul and severe nausea.
You should know I have a problem. I’m trusting, too trusting. I believe there is good in everyone and that’s a fault of mine. I’m too easy to trust and to quick to forgive. I wear my heart on my sleeve in all the wrong ways. I found this beautiful quote the other day and it spoke to me.
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.
I’m going to choose to be selfish for a while. My heart will be locked away safely until it’s mended and healed. Allowing the only person in who won’t hurt me. Who won’t break me down and leave me to pick up the pieces. God knows what my heart needs, he’ll never let me down and he’ll always be there to pick me up when I feel like giving up.
I was lied to over and over again, I gave my heart freely to someone I trusted and in the end it was wrung out and crumpled. Leaving me to pick up the pieces. If I’m being honest I’m angry, angry with myself for feeling weak, for believing the lies, for not listening to my family and friends when they tried to warn me. I’m angry and the only person to blame is myself.
So here’s to me, mending my heart and for anyone feeling lost and alone. I’m right here with you, struggling alongside you cheering on your triumphs and encouraging you when you fall down. You can do this, we can do it and we’ll be stronger than before.