It Hit Me Like a Wrecking Ball

I promise not to mention that super catchy Cyrus tune again.

Disclaimer: This post is technically about my faith but it’s relatable no matter what you believe.

Today I was absolutely wrecked in all the best ways. I felt it on my heart to reach out to my friend who is struggling in the aftermath of a divorce. So I texted her on my way to work and started praying. Within minutes it was like word vomit. I had so many petitions that it just kept coming. I know you’ve felt this whether you’re yelling to God, the universe or to yourself it’s that feeling of surrender where you unselfishly give every fiber of your being to a feeling, a thought, an action. It’s been longer than I care to admit since I’ve done this. Jumped head first into an abyss and waited for what was put on my heart. The tears and prayers kept coming five minutes became ten and I found myself in my parking space clutching my steering wheel and crying… Ugly crying with every ounce of my body. In that time of prayer I had felt God sitting in the passenger seat beside me prompting me to continue. As I walked into work I decided it was a great day to see my friend. We’ve both been through the ringer lately and today seemed like the right day to catch up and it was. We talked for hours. Giving each other advice, crying and being present.

Background: I’ve been going through some of the worst life changes lately. Not only have I been down but I’ve been battling feelings of unworthyness and loneliness. I’ve pushed almost everyone away including God and haven’t cared up til today. My friend is recovering from a toxic marriage that left her lonely, broken and scared. She has two beautiful little boys who are products of a strong woman. They are resilient and amazing. She has faced persecution and felt the need to defend herself in the eyes of people who are supposed to love her.

As we talked we opened up. She took a leap of faith and confided in me about a recent sin that has been weighing heavily on her. I saw her heart and how torn she is from her sin and I couldn’t help but feel ashamed knowing my sins are inexcusable and much worse. We both sinned the same way the difference being my sin was 8th circle of hell worthy. After hours of talking, confiding, tears and feeling every spectrum of emotion I opened up about sins I’ve openly committed, sins I could have stopped myself from it didn’t. I showed her my heart and instead of casting me to the side she spoke to me, her words were like a healing balm on my soul. I’ve never opened up to anyone about my shame and when I finally did I was met with open arms, not condemnation. This is how it should be. The people in our lives we count on shouldn’t condemn us but love us right where we’re at.

We briefly spoke of how her friend, and I use that term loosely, convinced my friend to take certain action and now the fallout and consequences of that are breaking her further. I know in the end some good will come of it, but how much longer will she hate herself for something she has already been granted mercy from? I wanted to scream, “don’t you think she’s suffered enough?” I could feel my friend’s brokenness and her desire to fix the situation, to take it back, to make it right. It’s a brokenness I’ve lived in for far too long. Too bad there isn’t a time machine to fix mistakes. If there was how would we grow and learn?

There are so many days where I feel unworthy, not cared for and unimportant. We live in a world that tells us we’re not enough or too much while God tells us we’re perfect because we’re made in his image. I read this amazing book called Be Rebellious by Megan Clinton and wow was it amazing and thought provoking. The world we live in knows nothing of grace and forgiveness so in a world that wants to beat me down I’m going to continue to stand up. If I fall there’s always tomorrow.

  
Let me break it down. Here’s what being a follower of Christ means to me. (Not all reasons will be listed, only ones pertaining to this post)

  • He loves me even when I don’t love myself.
  • I am worthy of his love because I am his daughter.
  • His forgiveness comes as soon as I ask for it.
  • He won’t hold it against me.
  • I am called to forgive others just as he’s forgiven me.
  • A sure fire way to turn people away from him is to judge and condemn them.
  • Grace was meant for everyone. Peter denied him three times and he was still loved as much as the most faithful servant.

I just want to end this post by saying you aren’t alone. Whether you’re behavior is self destructive or hurts others you can turn it around. It’s not going to be easy but it’ll be worth it. Fight for yourself, be kind to yourself and most of all love yourself enough to make a change.

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Broken Hearts, Torn Up Letters and the Story of a Lonely Girl.

There are moments in our life that define us, but what can truly be telling of our character is how we handle those moments. I had one of those moments today. The lump in the back of my throat sits blocking unshed tears from rolling down my face. The pain in my heart not completely unbearable but enough to cause an ache in my soul and severe nausea.

You should know I have a problem. I’m trusting, too trusting. I believe there is good in everyone and that’s a fault of mine. I’m too easy to trust and to quick to forgive. I wear my heart on my sleeve in all the wrong ways. I found this beautiful quote the other day and it spoke to me.

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

-C.S. Lewis

I’m going to choose to be selfish for a while. My heart will be locked away safely until it’s mended and healed. Allowing the only person in who won’t hurt me. Who won’t break me down and leave me to pick up the pieces. God knows what my heart needs, he’ll never let me down and he’ll always be there to pick me up when I feel like giving up.

I was lied to over and over again, I gave my heart freely to someone I trusted and in the end it was wrung out and crumpled. Leaving me to pick up the pieces. If I’m being honest I’m angry, angry with myself for feeling weak, for believing the lies, for not listening to my family and friends when they tried to warn me. I’m angry and the only person to blame is myself.

So here’s to me, mending my heart and for anyone feeling lost and alone. I’m right here with you, struggling alongside you cheering on your triumphs and encouraging you when you fall down. You can do this, we can do it and we’ll be stronger than before.