This has been my mantra today. In all actuality I do love my friends but sometimes I feel shafted. Like, “hey can you help me with…” Because it’s not like I don’t have my own 3 jobs I’m working or personal things to take care of. It’s probably partly/ wholely my fault for always volunteering myself to help but sometimes I wish they would ask me if I need any help with anything. I can’t be the only one that feels like a pleasent doormat on occasion.
Today was no exception. My best friend in the world had a baby about a month ago and now she’s trying to plan her wedding for May, of course she waited, of course she procrastinated. So now her super sweet fiancé has asked me to help… I’m regretting being all too willing but we’ve been best friends for 10 years, so I’m going to chalk this one off as my duty as a BFF.
Tell me I’m not alone in wishing I wasn’t so quick to volunteer or so quick to always say yes.
There are moments in our life that define us, but what can truly be telling of our character is how we handle those moments. I had one of those moments today. The lump in the back of my throat sits blocking unshed tears from rolling down my face. The pain in my heart not completely unbearable but enough to cause an ache in my soul and severe nausea.
You should know I have a problem. I’m trusting, too trusting. I believe there is good in everyone and that’s a fault of mine. I’m too easy to trust and to quick to forgive. I wear my heart on my sleeve in all the wrong ways. I found this beautiful quote the other day and it spoke to me.
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.
I’m going to choose to be selfish for a while. My heart will be locked away safely until it’s mended and healed. Allowing the only person in who won’t hurt me. Who won’t break me down and leave me to pick up the pieces. God knows what my heart needs, he’ll never let me down and he’ll always be there to pick me up when I feel like giving up.
I was lied to over and over again, I gave my heart freely to someone I trusted and in the end it was wrung out and crumpled. Leaving me to pick up the pieces. If I’m being honest I’m angry, angry with myself for feeling weak, for believing the lies, for not listening to my family and friends when they tried to warn me. I’m angry and the only person to blame is myself.
So here’s to me, mending my heart and for anyone feeling lost and alone. I’m right here with you, struggling alongside you cheering on your triumphs and encouraging you when you fall down. You can do this, we can do it and we’ll be stronger than before.