Wrecked…

 

Full disclosure I’m a bleeding heart and I’ve always had a deep connection to music. So the other day one of my friend’s posts a new song she found from RaeLynn called “Love Triangle”. It’s about divorce written from a child’s perspective. Normally these songs are written from the husband or the wife’s perspective and that’s probably why they don’t hit me like this one did.

I was standing in the laundry room and as I changed over the current load I cued up the song to play. Mistake alert!! I was not ready for the gut wrenching cry I was about to experience. This song brought me to my knees in every way imaginable. It broke me down and kicked me right in the feels. She perfectly describes what it feels like being stuck between two parents who are in the midst of a divorce. Hearing the beautiful melody took me back to my childhood and having to pack my bag for my dad’s house and all of the struggle that came with that. (Did I have pj’s that fit? Were my pants going to be too short this time?) So many thoughts running through my head that a 6 year old shouldn’t have to deal with. It took me back to all of the hurt I’ve kept down and ignored for years.

Naturally you’d think I’d listen to it once, realize it upsets me and move on to a happy song. But that’s just not my style. Maybe I’m a glutton for punishment. I continued to cry for the next four hours… taking me all the way up to 3:30am. Let’s just say the next day at work was brutal with a 7:30am meeting and a full day I headed into it with puffy eyes. Positives did come from it, I feel so much lighter though. That cry was cathartic and helped me to release pent up anger and hurt I had bottled up.

Here’s to moving on with a fresh outlook on my experience!

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An Open Letter to My Dad on His Birthday!

Happy Birthday Dad.

I can’t imagine spending my day a better way honoring the man who helped make me who I am. You came into my life when I needed you most. I was 10 and angry. Angry that my dad wasn’t there. Not because he couldn’t be but because he didn’t want to be there. It didn’t matter that I’d already started shutting people out because you knocked down my barriers. When you moved in you let mom and I throw away all of your terrible tacky ties. You let us show you how a wardrobe overhaul could change how people treated you. Almost overnight you went from mismatched and brilliant to coordinated. Showing you were every bit as put together on the outside as you are on the inside.

When I pushed you away you refused to take no for an answer and never missed an opportunity to tell me how much I meant to you. You showed up for every school and church function. You pushed me to be better, always encouraging me to be everything you knew I could be. You loved me like I was your own and showed me what true fatherly love meant. When I was weak you were strong enough for both of us, when I cried you were there to wipe my tears. In a world constantly telling me I wasn’t enough you promised I was. You were the quiet voice telling me tomorrow was a new day and unforgettably the very loud one waking me up in the morning. I didn’t make it easy for you but you never let that stop you. You loved me even when I didn’t feel worthy of being loved.

You taught me to fight for what I believed in even when it’s easier to concede. You taught me “if you’re not fifteen minutes early, you’re late.” and to always put family first. You taught me that in the face of life’s toughest trials you have to face it head on no matter the cost, you taught me to always do my least liked task first and to always leave my phone number twice when leaving a voicemail. You taught me how to wakeboard and how to get a great deal on a car. You gave me everything I needed to succeed and showed me that living a debt free life is empowering in so many ways and the knowledge that nothing worth doing is ever easy.

You showed my mom what it meant to be fully loved not just for one part of her but for every part most especially her heart. You’ve stood by her side through all of life’s demands. Through the loss of parents and friends, changes of addresses and businesses. Always putting her needs above your own. You’ve showed me how a man of God is called to treat his wife. One day I hope to have what you and mom have, a true partnership. I look up to you more and more each day. You fought for our family and I want you to know that I’ll always be in the front line fighting for you.

On my birthday you told me I changed your life. I guess that’s something we have in common because you’ve changed mine.

It’s Been a While…

Well needless to say I’ve missed this. So much so that during my free time you may be seeing a lot of postings come through. As if I have so much to say and not enough time to say it in.

Since we’ve last chatted:

– Today is the first show I’ve worked since May. While it’s nice to be back in the mix it’s a bit frustrating not knowing what is expected of me. I’m a firm believer that in order to exceed expectations you need to first know what is expected from you. The original position I was hired for (which I was excited for) has now changed to a condensed version of what my usual job is. I look at each show as a learning opportunity and I’m hoping that this one will be no different. There is a lot to be said for keeping an open mind and always being willing to learn no matter how many times you’ve done something.

Coincidentally I am working with my old boss who has since the last time we worked              together iced me out after I found out some less than appealing things he did to me at our last show together. But, enough about that. I believe by taking the higher road in the end I will come out on top, and if not than it wasn’t meant to be but my work ethic speaks for itself and something better will come along.

((Update))

Within the time I’ve been writing this he has now leaned on me twice, which speaks loudly instead of doing it himself he approached me for help. Houston: We are making progress.

– My carpal tunnel has continued to worsen and my appointment tomorrow cannot come fast enough. Hopefully, it will bring further insight and resolutions as well.

– I’ve been able to spend an immense amount of time with my family, which I love! Especially with my little sister helping her learn how to read. and working on her phonics.

– I’ve purchased an almost new Ford Fusion SE in cash (which I saved for 5 years to get).

– I’ve fallen in love with a new budget app called Every Dollar. I’ve earned silly amounts of money from the Ibotta AppReceipt Hog and Poshmark. They are all great ways to earn extra money without much effort.

– I’ve been able to FaceTime my BFF, Isabel, quite a bit which is a huge treat.

So that’s what’s new with me. I hope these last few weeks have treated you well and that happiness has been busting down your doorway.

Wisdom

   

These words speak to my soul. When I’m at festivals I’m constantly being told “you’re so kind, so sweet” well why be any other way. Seriously? Why be a miserable sour puss if you don’t have to be? 

The other day I kept a newly dear friend, let’s call him A, on the phone for 4 hours and 15 min… Well in reality we kept eachother on the phone that long. So he’s telling me about a mutual friend, we’ll call him S, who is boarder line acquaintance for me and in Dec when I got them what they had hoped for at the festival (with my boss’ approval). They were so stoked and couldn’t believe how kind and nice I was they got to talking and S had said “You know, she’s the kind of girl you marry. Not the kind who you want to be a mistake for, but the kind you marry.” I sat there kind of floored. 

While I don’t have particularly low self esteem I don’t see myself as that kind of girl. For someone as awesome as him to say that hit me like a ton of bricks to the chest. 

Now… I just need to find a guy who feels that way about me who’s single and laughs at my dumb jokes, indulges me in random dancing and never makes fun of my love for Taylor Swift.

 

The choices we make…

Affect us. I’m feeling my most recent one smacking me in the face. I mentioned a few days ago in my post Between a Rock and a Hard Spot that I was having to choose between work with a new client that could lead to amazing things and in turn missing my best friend of 11 years’ wedding… where I’m the Maid of Honor. Well, I officially got the position and posted on my social media about how excited I was just to realize I didn’t block her from seeing the post. A wave of guilt and emotion swept across me when she commented on it. In the end being the true best friend she is she said she was happy for me and knows how much this opportunity means to me but I could feel the hurt and dissapointment laced in her words. 

How do you choose between career opportunities that are hard to come by and essentially family? Maybe I find it easier because I’m a workaholic or maybe because I’m a terrible friend? All I know is when my special day comes, if she can’t make it, I’ll always blame myself. In the end all I can pray is that it’s worth it. 

Between a rock and a hard spot…

It’s never a place I like to be. I work in an industry that could take me out of town with a moment’s notice, part of me loves that and another part of me hates it. My bosses all warned me that I would end up sacrificing life experiences to make it in this industry and my jaded little mind kept saying, yeah well I’ll make it work no matter what. The day came sooner rather than later.

Yesterday I came to the realization that a new work opportunity would be taking me out of town the same weekend as my best friend (of 10 years’) wedding. Now, I use the term best friend loosely, sister is more accurate and I was slated to be the maid of honor. The only thing that made breaking the news to her even worse was that it was April Fools Day… but not an April Fools prank. She kept insisting that it was and finally I had to forward her a photo of my texts with my contact confirming and send a picture of the website showing the dates. It was at that point she didn’t take the “oh I’m so happy for you road” she responded just how I would if she gave me the same news, with disbelief and inconsolable hurt. As much as I wanted to fly back that day and at least be there for the day of, it’s just not feasible. I would have to miss the entire last day of the festival and especially since this is a new company I can’t do that. I need them to see how much ass I kick and how valuable I am.

I can’t quite say if I’m going to regret it when I look back but this could be a big stepping stone for me, and at this point in the game I just can’t turn that down. Every opportunity could open the door to more, and I have to try and be willing to do whatever it takes.

So here’s to my breaking heart and my first time truly choosing work over loved ones.