Happy Birthday Dad.
I can’t imagine spending my day a better way honoring the man who helped make me who I am. You came into my life when I needed you most. I was 10 and angry. Angry that my dad wasn’t there. Not because he couldn’t be but because he didn’t want to be there. It didn’t matter that I’d already started shutting people out because you knocked down my barriers. When you moved in you let mom and I throw away all of your terrible tacky ties. You let us show you how a wardrobe overhaul could change how people treated you. Almost overnight you went from mismatched and brilliant to coordinated. Showing you were every bit as put together on the outside as you are on the inside.
When I pushed you away you refused to take no for an answer and never missed an opportunity to tell me how much I meant to you. You showed up for every school and church function. You pushed me to be better, always encouraging me to be everything you knew I could be. You loved me like I was your own and showed me what true fatherly love meant. When I was weak you were strong enough for both of us, when I cried you were there to wipe my tears. In a world constantly telling me I wasn’t enough you promised I was. You were the quiet voice telling me tomorrow was a new day and unforgettably the very loud one waking me up in the morning. I didn’t make it easy for you but you never let that stop you. You loved me even when I didn’t feel worthy of being loved.
You taught me to fight for what I believed in even when it’s easier to concede. You taught me “if you’re not fifteen minutes early, you’re late.” and to always put family first. You taught me that in the face of life’s toughest trials you have to face it head on no matter the cost, you taught me to always do my least liked task first and to always leave my phone number twice when leaving a voicemail. You taught me how to wakeboard and how to get a great deal on a car. You gave me everything I needed to succeed and showed me that living a debt free life is empowering in so many ways and the knowledge that nothing worth doing is ever easy.
You showed my mom what it meant to be fully loved not just for one part of her but for every part most especially her heart. You’ve stood by her side through all of life’s demands. Through the loss of parents and friends, changes of addresses and businesses. Always putting her needs above your own. You’ve showed me how a man of God is called to treat his wife. One day I hope to have what you and mom have, a true partnership. I look up to you more and more each day. You fought for our family and I want you to know that I’ll always be in the front line fighting for you.
On my birthday you told me I changed your life. I guess that’s something we have in common because you’ve changed mine.
Last night it really settled in that I’m moving for the 5th time in 2 years. In case you’re wondering… I hate moving and we’re both okay with that as our relationship status. I’ve been slowly packing for about 5 days, putting things in re-useable bags so they can fit into my little car for me to take over and then finally getting 10 large boxes yesterday and packing each one of them. As I was weaving in and out of the boxes down the hallway it donned on me this is going to be my life. I’ve chosen an industry that requires tons of traveling and quite a bit of moving. I had a real “think hard” moment and decided as much as I hate moving I wouldn’t trade that for what I do. I love my job and the company I work for. The guys treat me like family. We disagree, we sometimes argue but at the end of the day we get through it and come out stronger.
These words speak to my soul. When I’m at festivals I’m constantly being told “you’re so kind, so sweet” well why be any other way. Seriously? Why be a miserable sour puss if you don’t have to be?
The other day I kept a newly dear friend, let’s call him A, on the phone for 4 hours and 15 min… Well in reality we kept eachother on the phone that long. So he’s telling me about a mutual friend, we’ll call him S, who is boarder line acquaintance for me and in Dec when I got them what they had hoped for at the festival (with my boss’ approval). They were so stoked and couldn’t believe how kind and nice I was they got to talking and S had said “You know, she’s the kind of girl you marry. Not the kind who you want to be a mistake for, but the kind you marry.” I sat there kind of floored.
While I don’t have particularly low self esteem I don’t see myself as that kind of girl. For someone as awesome as him to say that hit me like a ton of bricks to the chest.
Now… I just need to find a guy who feels that way about me who’s single and laughs at my dumb jokes, indulges me in random dancing and never makes fun of my love for Taylor Swift.
I’m kicking the Monday blues to the curb with a good laugh from this meme.
Today I said enough is enough when it came to a parent complaining about me accidentally feeding her son food that wasn’t his. Same food that he eats, just not his. I wish I could say this is the first ridiculous complaint. (When the principal and teacher agree it’s ridiculous, that means I’m allowed to say it’s ridiculous) So I kindly told his teacher I am no longer willing to substitute in their classroom and just like that it’s like a fresh breath of air. I will no longer continue to let myself be used or treated poorly. I have this job to keep myself busy in my off season, not to fully support my life. The added stress coming up on show season is not worth the hassle.
Best of luck to them but I’m done. I’ll stick with the slightly older children, who’s parents love me and who have never once complained. When did it become unacceptable to stand up for yourself? To keep your best interests in mind? This notion of stay quiet and suck it up has got to go away. When we allow ourselves to be taken advantage of, it makes it that much easier to repeat and continue.
So this is a text I just got from my mom. I’m so lucky to have her!
“It’s okay not to be okay! there are better days ahead of you boo bear and everyday you’re getting better and stronger I love you you are an amazing young woman with ambition and self control and the tremendous amount of love in your heart for others😇”
Those are lyrics from one of my most favorite Anberlin songs, Alexhithmia.
Get ready for another confession: I’ve always wanted to be further than where I am. When I was in high school I couldn’t wait to be done and in college. When I was in college I just wanted to graduate and be out in the work world and now that I am all I want is to find the guy I’m supposed to spend my life with and get started. I have almost everything I want except the one thing my heart is begging for, someone to share this amazing life with.
Okay, I’ll come out and say it… I don’t drink, at all. It’s a personal choice and I don’t hold it against people if they do. But because I don’t frequent bars or work with people close to my age I’ve noticed my options for making friends are limited and I’ve started to rely on the Internet. Probably too much because it’s not working.
Many, well MOST, of my friends are getting engaged, married or having babies. The ones that aren’t are in serious long term relationships and I’m here. Alone. No boyfriend, no promising dates at least both this week, and no one to come home to.
I love my job like LOVE my job but here’s the thing… It’s not full time. Which means in between shows I suppliment with substitute teaching. The plus side is im able to save all of my festival money the downside is working with small children is not something I want to do.
I do well for myself. My bills are always paid, I have money “left over” and I have a healthy savings account and no debt, at all. So, you’re probably shaking your head wondering what I have to complain about. Well… I could always be better prepared. I see my friends able to go on trips and visit exotic places and I realize that isn’t in the cards for me right now. That’s when my mom’s perfect sense of timing comes along and she says to me, “sweetheart all of these friends traveling have a second income, they have someone else helping to pay the bills, helping to buy the groceries, and you’re just you. One income, that’s all.” In some ways it makes me feel better in others it makes me feel worse.
But each day I wake up and I commit myself to being happy and loving myself right where im at. So just remember to “good things come to those who wait.”
First, a little sentiment from this morning…
i just want to get this off my chest. I’ve decided to make some big decisions in my life.
- Quit subbing at the school I’m currently with and swap to festival work until fall.
- Move into the home my brother owns, rent from him and try to fix it up along the way so he can sell it at the end of the year for a profit.
June & July:
- Have first carpal tunnel surgery don’t in June. Once I’m healed have the second done in July.
- Get my certifications to sub in Altamonte Springs so I can keep saving all of my festival money.
And somewhere in between buy a “new to me” car. I’ve forfeited my dream of having a Volvo C70 and going for a Ford Fusion maybe Hyundai Sonata. While I’m sad to see my pretty Volvo go away I’m excited to be buying my second car in cash and avoiding having a payment.
Don’t you ever wish you didn’t have to make adult choices? Sometimes I just want to hide out in a blanket fort and marathon Harry Potter.