I want you to know some things. You are worth it so worth it. You are beautiful, you are strong, you are kind, loving and important. You matter. You matter to me, to your family, to your friends. So don’t give up. Selfishly I’m posting this for myself just as much as I am for you, but I guessing that’s okay. I want you to know you deserve to be someone’s first choice, not their second and not their third.
It’s so tough to hear what everyone keeps telling me. What I wrote above pretty much sums it up. Just sprinkle in a few ‘you’re better than he is’ and ‘you can do better'(s) in there and you’ve got the soundtrack of my life for the past two days. I’m trying so hard to believe it but I’m broken. Unbelievably broken. It reminds me of this song I used to listen to that holds so much truth, Gotye’s ‘Somebody I Used to Know.’ ((below for your auditory pleasure))
I’m trying so hard to make it through this post but as the tears flow freely down my cheeks and my head gets light I’m reminded of the sobering fact that I am weak and I am broken. No matter how hard I fight it I’m so angry and so hurt I can’t keep food down let alone water. I got woozy at work and passed out probably from dehydration. But if I know one thing the sun is going to come up tomorrow and it’s beautiful rays are going to help wash this pain away. This pit I’m in isn’t forever, it’s not permanent. God did not make me to be lonely, he made me to be happy and fulfilled. He made me to be strong. He made me in his image.
So I may not feel it tonight, probably not tomorrow but soon and once I’m past this… I’ll be that much stronger. Until then I just keep telling myself, “Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you or makes you happy.”
There are moments in our life that define us, but what can truly be telling of our character is how we handle those moments. I had one of those moments today. The lump in the back of my throat sits blocking unshed tears from rolling down my face. The pain in my heart not completely unbearable but enough to cause an ache in my soul and severe nausea.
You should know I have a problem. I’m trusting, too trusting. I believe there is good in everyone and that’s a fault of mine. I’m too easy to trust and to quick to forgive. I wear my heart on my sleeve in all the wrong ways. I found this beautiful quote the other day and it spoke to me.
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.
I’m going to choose to be selfish for a while. My heart will be locked away safely until it’s mended and healed. Allowing the only person in who won’t hurt me. Who won’t break me down and leave me to pick up the pieces. God knows what my heart needs, he’ll never let me down and he’ll always be there to pick me up when I feel like giving up.
I was lied to over and over again, I gave my heart freely to someone I trusted and in the end it was wrung out and crumpled. Leaving me to pick up the pieces. If I’m being honest I’m angry, angry with myself for feeling weak, for believing the lies, for not listening to my family and friends when they tried to warn me. I’m angry and the only person to blame is myself.
So here’s to me, mending my heart and for anyone feeling lost and alone. I’m right here with you, struggling alongside you cheering on your triumphs and encouraging you when you fall down. You can do this, we can do it and we’ll be stronger than before.