Wrecked…

 

Full disclosure I’m a bleeding heart and I’ve always had a deep connection to music. So the other day one of my friend’s posts a new song she found from RaeLynn called “Love Triangle”. It’s about divorce written from a child’s perspective. Normally these songs are written from the husband or the wife’s perspective and that’s probably why they don’t hit me like this one did.

I was standing in the laundry room and as I changed over the current load I cued up the song to play. Mistake alert!! I was not ready for the gut wrenching cry I was about to experience. This song brought me to my knees in every way imaginable. It broke me down and kicked me right in the feels. She perfectly describes what it feels like being stuck between two parents who are in the midst of a divorce. Hearing the beautiful melody took me back to my childhood and having to pack my bag for my dad’s house and all of the struggle that came with that. (Did I have pj’s that fit? Were my pants going to be too short this time?) So many thoughts running through my head that a 6 year old shouldn’t have to deal with. It took me back to all of the hurt I’ve kept down and ignored for years.

Naturally you’d think I’d listen to it once, realize it upsets me and move on to a happy song. But that’s just not my style. Maybe I’m a glutton for punishment. I continued to cry for the next four hours… taking me all the way up to 3:30am. Let’s just say the next day at work was brutal with a 7:30am meeting and a full day I headed into it with puffy eyes. Positives did come from it, I feel so much lighter though. That cry was cathartic and helped me to release pent up anger and hurt I had bottled up.

Here’s to moving on with a fresh outlook on my experience!

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Letting go and moving on…

I’ve given the guy who broke my heart too much of my time. This weekend was the final straw. After telling me over and over how swamped he was and how he didn’t have time for anything let alone hanging out I see that he made time to go to Tampa. Well let me just stop right there. I’m done. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I will no longer be a doormat waiting for you to come back and in the wise words of T. Swift: 

Here you are now
Calling me up
But I don’t know what to say
I’ve been picking up the pieces of the mess you made
People like you always want back the love they pushed aside
But people like me are gone forever
When you say goodbye

I’m setting myself free from you knowing darn well there’s something way better waiting for me. 

What I should do v What I’m doing…

I should say no. No to everything. No to talking, no to attempting something new, no to being a doormat. But, I just can’t say no, when he’s making an effort (small but effort nonetheless). I’m working on being stronger, never being the first to text. Waiting to respond. Making sure he realizes that he lost me not, I didn’t loose him. Motivational quotes only do so much and I’m not looking for any friendly lectures so I haven’t spoken to my friends about it. So for now, I’m comforted by the fact that I’m not alone and I know some of you out there have been in my shoes.

How did you handle it?

Finding Happiness in the Little Things

I’m a firm believer that little things can make all the difference. Today I find myself at my “just for fun job” working at a school with toddlers when one who never gives hugs comes up to me and says “hug please”. I of course obliged and she wrapped her little arms around me and held on so tight. All of the pain and heartbreak I’ve been feeling ceased to exist for those two minutes. It’s like she knew I needed it and when silent tears rolled down my cheeks she let go and wiped them away. She’ll never know what her needing a hug actually did for me but I’ll always remember it and how it subsided my aching heart.

So today I’m re-committing my love for finding beauty in the little things and finding happiness from within. My heart is still mending but it doesn’t mean I can’t help it along. If you’re struggling I hope you find small comfort and happiness in something beautiful today. Something often overlooked or ignored. Because you, dear sweet one, deserve happiness.

From my heart.

I want you to know some things. You are worth it so worth it. You are beautiful, you are strong, you are kind, loving and important. You matter. You matter to me, to your family, to your friends. So don’t give up. Selfishly I’m posting this for myself just as much as I am for you, but I guessing that’s okay. I want you to know you deserve to be someone’s first choice, not their second and not their third.

It’s so tough to hear what everyone keeps telling me. What I wrote above pretty much sums it up. Just sprinkle in a few ‘you’re better than he is’ and ‘you can do better'(s) in there and you’ve got the soundtrack of my life for the past two days. I’m trying so hard to believe it but I’m broken. Unbelievably broken. It reminds me of this song I used to listen to that holds so much truth, Gotye’s ‘Somebody I Used to Know.’ ((below for your auditory pleasure))

I’m trying so hard to make it through this post but as the tears flow freely down my cheeks and my head gets light I’m reminded of the sobering fact that I am weak and I am broken. No matter how hard I fight it I’m so angry and so hurt I can’t keep food down let alone water. I got woozy at work and passed out probably from dehydration. But if I know one thing the sun is going to come up tomorrow and it’s beautiful rays are going to help wash this pain away. This pit I’m in isn’t forever, it’s not permanent. God did not make me to be lonely, he made me to be happy and fulfilled. He made me to be strong. He made me in his image.

So I may not feel it tonight, probably not tomorrow but soon and once I’m past this… I’ll be that much stronger. Until then I just keep telling myself, “Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you or makes you happy.”

Broken Hearts, Torn Up Letters and the Story of a Lonely Girl.

There are moments in our life that define us, but what can truly be telling of our character is how we handle those moments. I had one of those moments today. The lump in the back of my throat sits blocking unshed tears from rolling down my face. The pain in my heart not completely unbearable but enough to cause an ache in my soul and severe nausea.

You should know I have a problem. I’m trusting, too trusting. I believe there is good in everyone and that’s a fault of mine. I’m too easy to trust and to quick to forgive. I wear my heart on my sleeve in all the wrong ways. I found this beautiful quote the other day and it spoke to me.

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

-C.S. Lewis

I’m going to choose to be selfish for a while. My heart will be locked away safely until it’s mended and healed. Allowing the only person in who won’t hurt me. Who won’t break me down and leave me to pick up the pieces. God knows what my heart needs, he’ll never let me down and he’ll always be there to pick me up when I feel like giving up.

I was lied to over and over again, I gave my heart freely to someone I trusted and in the end it was wrung out and crumpled. Leaving me to pick up the pieces. If I’m being honest I’m angry, angry with myself for feeling weak, for believing the lies, for not listening to my family and friends when they tried to warn me. I’m angry and the only person to blame is myself.

So here’s to me, mending my heart and for anyone feeling lost and alone. I’m right here with you, struggling alongside you cheering on your triumphs and encouraging you when you fall down. You can do this, we can do it and we’ll be stronger than before.