In a nutshell…

  

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Letting go and moving on…

I’ve given the guy who broke my heart too much of my time. This weekend was the final straw. After telling me over and over how swamped he was and how he didn’t have time for anything let alone hanging out I see that he made time to go to Tampa. Well let me just stop right there. I’m done. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I will no longer be a doormat waiting for you to come back and in the wise words of T. Swift: 

Here you are now
Calling me up
But I don’t know what to say
I’ve been picking up the pieces of the mess you made
People like you always want back the love they pushed aside
But people like me are gone forever
When you say goodbye

I’m setting myself free from you knowing darn well there’s something way better waiting for me. 

I love my friends I love my friends…

This has been my mantra today. In all actuality I do love my friends but sometimes I feel shafted. Like, “hey can you help me with…” Because it’s not like I don’t have my own 3 jobs I’m working or personal things to take care of. It’s probably partly/ wholely my fault for always volunteering myself to help but sometimes I wish they would ask me if I need any help with anything. I can’t be the only one that feels like a pleasent doormat on occasion.

Today was no exception. My best friend in the world had a baby about a month ago and now she’s trying to plan her wedding for May, of course she waited, of course she procrastinated. So now her super sweet fiancé has asked me to help… I’m regretting being all too willing but we’ve been best friends for 10 years, so I’m going to chalk this one off as my duty as a BFF. 

Tell me I’m not alone in wishing I wasn’t so quick to volunteer or so quick to always say yes. 

Get up, stand up. Stand up for your rights.

Today I said enough is enough when it came to a parent complaining about me accidentally feeding her son food that wasn’t his. Same food that he eats, just not his. I wish I could say this is the first ridiculous complaint. (When the principal and teacher agree it’s ridiculous, that means I’m allowed to say it’s ridiculous) So I kindly told his teacher I am no longer willing to substitute in their classroom and just like that it’s like a fresh breath of air. I will no longer continue to let myself be used or treated poorly. I have this job to keep myself busy in my off season, not to fully support my life. The added stress coming up on show season is not worth the hassle.

Best of luck to them but I’m done. I’ll stick with the slightly older children, who’s parents love me and who have never once complained. When did it become unacceptable to stand up for yourself? To keep your best interests in mind? This notion of stay quiet and suck it up has got to go away. When we allow ourselves to be taken advantage of, it makes it that much easier to repeat and continue.

Beautiful 

“She was beautiful, but not like the girls in the magazines. She was beautiful, for the way she thought. She was beautiful, for that sparkle in her eyes when she talked about something she loved. She was beautiful, for her ability to make other people smile even if she was sad. No, she wasn’t beautiful for something as temporary as her looks. She was beautiful, deep down to her soul.

Are you where you thought you’d be? So beautiful and only 23.

Those are lyrics from one of my most favorite Anberlin songs, Alexhithmia

 Get ready for another confession: I’ve always wanted to be further than where I am. When I was in high school I couldn’t wait to be done and in college. When I was in college I just wanted to graduate and be out in the work world and now that I am all I want is to find the guy I’m supposed to spend my life with and get started. I have almost everything I want except the one thing my heart is begging for, someone to share this amazing life with.

Social: 

Okay, I’ll come out and say it… I don’t drink, at all. It’s a personal choice and I don’t hold it against people if they do. But because I don’t frequent bars or work with people close to my age I’ve noticed my options for making friends are limited and I’ve started to rely on the Internet. Probably too much because it’s not working. 

Relationships: 

Many, well MOST, of my friends are getting engaged, married or having babies. The ones that aren’t are in serious long term relationships and I’m here. Alone. No boyfriend, no promising dates at least both this week, and no one to come home to. 

Work:

I love my job like LOVE my job but here’s the thing… It’s not full time. Which means in between shows I suppliment with substitute teaching. The plus side is im able to save all of my festival money the downside is working with small children is not something I want to do.

Financial:

I do well for myself. My bills are always paid, I have money “left over” and I have a healthy savings account and no debt, at all. So, you’re probably shaking your head wondering what I have to complain about. Well… I could always be better prepared. I see my friends able to go on trips and visit exotic places and I realize that isn’t in the cards for me right now. That’s when my mom’s perfect sense of timing comes along and she says to me, “sweetheart all of these friends traveling have a second income, they have someone else helping to pay the bills, helping to buy the groceries, and you’re just you. One income, that’s all.”  In some ways it makes me feel better in others it makes me feel worse. 

But each day I wake up and I commit myself to being happy and loving myself right where im at. So just remember to “good things come to those who wait.”

One step forward two steps back…

That is exactly how my day is going today. You know those times when a loved one pressures you into doing something and you know it’s going to be awful but you say yes anyways? Well that was me today. 

My mother dragged me to a ladies’ tea at our church, which normally I would love because as 25 year olds go I’m kind of old school like that. Yes my future China pattern is going to be. So I’m looking at the program and I realize that my recent ex’s mom hosted a table at the event… seconds later her name was called and as she stood I was torn. Part of me wanted to run out of the room, the other half of me wanted to go up to her and tell her the kind of man her son is. 

I did neither. Instead, I held my head high as silent tears streamed down my cheeks I made my way to the restroom through the crowd, luckily I was alone, I held onto the sink and cried for what seemed like forever. Repeating over and over “I am beautiful, I am strong” after a good 15 minutes my message sunk in. I composed myself, put a smile on my face and walked back to my table. 

The rest of the event was excrushing. I wanted to leave, but I stayed knowing my mom would throw an epic fit if I did. So I endured, I suffered through it and you know what… I made it through and im still alive.

As I was listening to the guest speaker I realized her message was 100% for me and what I needed to hear. I’ve been harboring so much anger and hatred for someone and I need to let it go. Moving on may not happen immediately but I have to let go of the negative feelings and energy. They are holding me back from my own happiness. I’m not saying it’ll happen overnight, but I’m committed to trying.

A “few” hours later:

Now it’s not all good and great, I’m still exhausted partially from not getting to sleep till 6am from carpal tunnel killing my hands. But I feel better, I’m proud of myself for pulling it together and making it through the luncheon with at least a partial smile on my face.

I’ve spent the rest of the day with some much needed but not to excess retail therapy and I’m going to cuddle my squishy pup tonight and remind myself that “the sun’ll come out tomorrow”.  

Today’s loot below! The pictures don’t do the dresses justice.