Wrecked…

 

Full disclosure I’m a bleeding heart and I’ve always had a deep connection to music. So the other day one of my friend’s posts a new song she found from RaeLynn called “Love Triangle”. It’s about divorce written from a child’s perspective. Normally these songs are written from the husband or the wife’s perspective and that’s probably why they don’t hit me like this one did.

I was standing in the laundry room and as I changed over the current load I cued up the song to play. Mistake alert!! I was not ready for the gut wrenching cry I was about to experience. This song brought me to my knees in every way imaginable. It broke me down and kicked me right in the feels. She perfectly describes what it feels like being stuck between two parents who are in the midst of a divorce. Hearing the beautiful melody took me back to my childhood and having to pack my bag for my dad’s house and all of the struggle that came with that. (Did I have pj’s that fit? Were my pants going to be too short this time?) So many thoughts running through my head that a 6 year old shouldn’t have to deal with. It took me back to all of the hurt I’ve kept down and ignored for years.

Naturally you’d think I’d listen to it once, realize it upsets me and move on to a happy song. But that’s just not my style. Maybe I’m a glutton for punishment. I continued to cry for the next four hours… taking me all the way up to 3:30am. Let’s just say the next day at work was brutal with a 7:30am meeting and a full day I headed into it with puffy eyes. Positives did come from it, I feel so much lighter though. That cry was cathartic and helped me to release pent up anger and hurt I had bottled up.

Here’s to moving on with a fresh outlook on my experience!

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Ghosting

Ghosted Playlist

Have you heard of it? I guess I’m out of the loop because I didn’t know rude, disrespectful and uncaring had a new name in the dating game. So for reference…

Ghosting: The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just “get the hint” and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested.

Have you ever had a moment where you’re reading an article you stumbled on and all of a sudden it’s as if the idea lightbulbs are flashing all over the place and what you’re reading is so true you could have written it yourself? Thinking back the majority of the first dates I’ve had in the past two years where I met the guy online have ended with be being ghosted. Whether it was before the first date happened or a few in it’s become socially acceptable. #Growingupagirl isn’t easy, and anyone who says it is… is clearly a man.

As women we’re taught:

  1. To let the man pursue us.
  2. To not come off as ‘too interested.’
  3. To wait until he calls/ texts/ emails first.

These lessons are taught to us not only by our mothers who try to pass on loving advice, we see them played out on our favorite TV shows and movies. There are literally thousands of books written on the ‘art of dating’. I can’t help but feel like this ideal tells young women they should be less. Less caring, less loving, less interested, less intense, less passionate, less amazing… just less. I came to this realization during a long talk with my dear friend Isabel. During our conversation we complained about how we’re the last single ones in our friend groups. After a rant that consisted of me “cryelling” (crying and yelling at the same time, it’s not as easy as it sounds promise) I shouted that I’m tired of being told to be less. This opened the flood gates. We shared with each other all the times we’ve been told we were doing ‘too much’ for our current love interest. Whether it’s showing too much interest or making ourselves too available.

Recently I was bopping around the internet and I came across an article that I’ve fallen in love with. Pardon the crass title but it’s called Fuck Yes or No by Mark Manson. Now, I may be biased because I think Mark’s work is inspired and amazing but reading his article and vowing to follow it’s principles has transformed how I view potential relationships and even friendships. I’m done with being told I need to be less of anything. I’ve started applying the principles from his article to my life and it’s made all the difference.

My challenge for you is to apply the principles of Fuck Yes or No to your life. It won’t be easy at first because if you’re anything like me and allow your self to get your hopes up taking this forward approach can be intimidating. You have to be prepared to call it quits at any time and know that the one your supposed to be with is still out there. But wasting your time with someone who isn’t as into you as you are to them is just that… a waste of time.

A closing thought: You are strong, you are beautiful, you are enough. Never feel like you need to be less of anything, EVER.

Another one down…

I spent the week in Charlotte, North Carolina and while I generally love it here this week may have scarred me. The dust was as bad as Sacramento but the weather was perfect, aside from a light rain on Friday. I’m pretty sure I’ll have dirt trapped up my nose for the next week. Challenges included crappy WIFI and cell signal so doing my job was increasingly difficult (being the social media girl you kind of need to have Internet). Pluses included almost zero stress, working with an awesome group of people and not being cooped up in an office all day.

Traveling home today is going to be bittersweet. As badly as I miss home I’m already looking forward to my next trip in two weeks to Columbus, OH. 

I love the new company I worked for, they were so kind and awesome and they all work well together. I’m looking forward to doing more festivals with them. 

Let’s do this…

Last night it really settled in that I’m moving for the 5th time in 2 years. In case you’re wondering… I hate moving and we’re both okay with that as our relationship status. I’ve been slowly packing for about 5 days, putting things in re-useable bags so they can fit into my little car for me to take over and then finally getting 10 large boxes yesterday and packing each one of them. As I was weaving in and out of the boxes down the hallway it donned on me this is going to be my life. I’ve chosen an industry that requires tons of traveling and quite a bit of moving. I had a real “think hard” moment and decided as much as I hate moving I wouldn’t trade that for what I do. I love my job and the company I work for. The guys treat me like family. We disagree, we sometimes argue but at the end of the day we get through it and come out stronger.

Between a rock and a hard spot…

It’s never a place I like to be. I work in an industry that could take me out of town with a moment’s notice, part of me loves that and another part of me hates it. My bosses all warned me that I would end up sacrificing life experiences to make it in this industry and my jaded little mind kept saying, yeah well I’ll make it work no matter what. The day came sooner rather than later.

Yesterday I came to the realization that a new work opportunity would be taking me out of town the same weekend as my best friend (of 10 years’) wedding. Now, I use the term best friend loosely, sister is more accurate and I was slated to be the maid of honor. The only thing that made breaking the news to her even worse was that it was April Fools Day… but not an April Fools prank. She kept insisting that it was and finally I had to forward her a photo of my texts with my contact confirming and send a picture of the website showing the dates. It was at that point she didn’t take the “oh I’m so happy for you road” she responded just how I would if she gave me the same news, with disbelief and inconsolable hurt. As much as I wanted to fly back that day and at least be there for the day of, it’s just not feasible. I would have to miss the entire last day of the festival and especially since this is a new company I can’t do that. I need them to see how much ass I kick and how valuable I am.

I can’t quite say if I’m going to regret it when I look back but this could be a big stepping stone for me, and at this point in the game I just can’t turn that down. Every opportunity could open the door to more, and I have to try and be willing to do whatever it takes.

So here’s to my breaking heart and my first time truly choosing work over loved ones.

Are you where you thought you’d be? So beautiful and only 23.

Those are lyrics from one of my most favorite Anberlin songs, Alexhithmia

 Get ready for another confession: I’ve always wanted to be further than where I am. When I was in high school I couldn’t wait to be done and in college. When I was in college I just wanted to graduate and be out in the work world and now that I am all I want is to find the guy I’m supposed to spend my life with and get started. I have almost everything I want except the one thing my heart is begging for, someone to share this amazing life with.

Social: 

Okay, I’ll come out and say it… I don’t drink, at all. It’s a personal choice and I don’t hold it against people if they do. But because I don’t frequent bars or work with people close to my age I’ve noticed my options for making friends are limited and I’ve started to rely on the Internet. Probably too much because it’s not working. 

Relationships: 

Many, well MOST, of my friends are getting engaged, married or having babies. The ones that aren’t are in serious long term relationships and I’m here. Alone. No boyfriend, no promising dates at least both this week, and no one to come home to. 

Work:

I love my job like LOVE my job but here’s the thing… It’s not full time. Which means in between shows I suppliment with substitute teaching. The plus side is im able to save all of my festival money the downside is working with small children is not something I want to do.

Financial:

I do well for myself. My bills are always paid, I have money “left over” and I have a healthy savings account and no debt, at all. So, you’re probably shaking your head wondering what I have to complain about. Well… I could always be better prepared. I see my friends able to go on trips and visit exotic places and I realize that isn’t in the cards for me right now. That’s when my mom’s perfect sense of timing comes along and she says to me, “sweetheart all of these friends traveling have a second income, they have someone else helping to pay the bills, helping to buy the groceries, and you’re just you. One income, that’s all.”  In some ways it makes me feel better in others it makes me feel worse. 

But each day I wake up and I commit myself to being happy and loving myself right where im at. So just remember to “good things come to those who wait.”

It’s amazing what hard work and a smile can do…

So, I’m always being asked how I scored the job I have now which is production office manager for a music festival promoter. This job can make my life amazing and hell at the same time but I wouldn’t trade one second of it for anything else. So I figured I would share with you how I scored my, for now, dream job.

I volunteered. Yeah, that’s right. My volunteering at music festivals started off as me just trying to say thank you to the promoter for giving my college radio station 10 pairs of tickets to giveaway but it turned into so much more. So, I was free labor for 3 festivals before I broke the barrier into getting paid. The first festival I carried water to vendors, scanned tickets and strung lanyards, in the heat, in Florida. The second festival I helped with catering and the team started to notice that I was a hard worker. When they saw me come back the following year I was put with hospitality and I worked my butt off. My original shift was only 4 hours long… I stayed for 14. It was worth every minute because I got a call in the early summer asking if I was available for a week and a half in September to fly out and work a festival out in California. Since September 2013 I’ve worked up from hospitality assistant to head of hospitality  to now production office manager. Which is pretty awesome considering I was only doing 3 festivals a year at the time. Now that number has increased to 7 festivals for 2015 with the possibility of 2 more being added last minute.

I hear the same thing over and over at these shows. “You are no joke the nicest person we’ve dealt with on this run” or “wow you’re so sweet, thank you so much.” Here’s the thing in my position, or any industry really you need to be personable. I smile, I make people feel welcome. When these bands are on the road for months at a time sometimes all they want is someone to show a tiny bit of extra love towards them. Small gestures can make your day amazing. As can going the extra mile and taking the extra step. At the end I’ll share a couple of my favorite stories. 

Don’t be afraid to volunteer, or put in extra hours. Show commitment and the willingness to help where it’s needed. Carry that attitude with you. Once you get the job, don’t drop it at the door. Keep it up and work hard.

My 2015 Festival Motto is “have courage and be kind.”

My two favorite stories: The first, we had a smaller band playing and on their rider it had asked for a pack of black socks. When I had emailed their tour manager letting him know that was beyond the scope of what we provided he replied very sweetly and said it was no problem that they were just always loosing theirs or they were always dirty so it never hurt to ask. Well when they got to their dressing rooms I had 2 pairs of socks in little bags for each of their bandmates and crew. While it was only 7 people total their reaction was priceless. I must have been thanked about 20 times and since they’ve been on 4 other shows with us every time they tell me how grateful they were that I did that small gesture for them.

The second, I had a really angry tour manager storm into my office. Upset their room hadn’t been iced down and that hospitality wasn’t waiting on their hand and foot. Not like we didn’t have 22 other bands to take care of as well. So I killed him with kindness. I put a big smile on my face and ensured him a big part of my job is to make sure his day goes smoothly. By the end of the night he was bragging about our festival being easily the best one he’d ever been to. Best staff, nicest and most helpful.

From my heart.

I want you to know some things. You are worth it so worth it. You are beautiful, you are strong, you are kind, loving and important. You matter. You matter to me, to your family, to your friends. So don’t give up. Selfishly I’m posting this for myself just as much as I am for you, but I guessing that’s okay. I want you to know you deserve to be someone’s first choice, not their second and not their third.

It’s so tough to hear what everyone keeps telling me. What I wrote above pretty much sums it up. Just sprinkle in a few ‘you’re better than he is’ and ‘you can do better'(s) in there and you’ve got the soundtrack of my life for the past two days. I’m trying so hard to believe it but I’m broken. Unbelievably broken. It reminds me of this song I used to listen to that holds so much truth, Gotye’s ‘Somebody I Used to Know.’ ((below for your auditory pleasure))

I’m trying so hard to make it through this post but as the tears flow freely down my cheeks and my head gets light I’m reminded of the sobering fact that I am weak and I am broken. No matter how hard I fight it I’m so angry and so hurt I can’t keep food down let alone water. I got woozy at work and passed out probably from dehydration. But if I know one thing the sun is going to come up tomorrow and it’s beautiful rays are going to help wash this pain away. This pit I’m in isn’t forever, it’s not permanent. God did not make me to be lonely, he made me to be happy and fulfilled. He made me to be strong. He made me in his image.

So I may not feel it tonight, probably not tomorrow but soon and once I’m past this… I’ll be that much stronger. Until then I just keep telling myself, “Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you or makes you happy.”

Broken Hearts, Torn Up Letters and the Story of a Lonely Girl.

There are moments in our life that define us, but what can truly be telling of our character is how we handle those moments. I had one of those moments today. The lump in the back of my throat sits blocking unshed tears from rolling down my face. The pain in my heart not completely unbearable but enough to cause an ache in my soul and severe nausea.

You should know I have a problem. I’m trusting, too trusting. I believe there is good in everyone and that’s a fault of mine. I’m too easy to trust and to quick to forgive. I wear my heart on my sleeve in all the wrong ways. I found this beautiful quote the other day and it spoke to me.

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

-C.S. Lewis

I’m going to choose to be selfish for a while. My heart will be locked away safely until it’s mended and healed. Allowing the only person in who won’t hurt me. Who won’t break me down and leave me to pick up the pieces. God knows what my heart needs, he’ll never let me down and he’ll always be there to pick me up when I feel like giving up.

I was lied to over and over again, I gave my heart freely to someone I trusted and in the end it was wrung out and crumpled. Leaving me to pick up the pieces. If I’m being honest I’m angry, angry with myself for feeling weak, for believing the lies, for not listening to my family and friends when they tried to warn me. I’m angry and the only person to blame is myself.

So here’s to me, mending my heart and for anyone feeling lost and alone. I’m right here with you, struggling alongside you cheering on your triumphs and encouraging you when you fall down. You can do this, we can do it and we’ll be stronger than before.