It Hit Me Like a Wrecking Ball

I promise not to mention that super catchy Cyrus tune again.

Disclaimer: This post is technically about my faith but it’s relatable no matter what you believe.

Today I was absolutely wrecked in all the best ways. I felt it on my heart to reach out to my friend who is struggling in the aftermath of a divorce. So I texted her on my way to work and started praying. Within minutes it was like word vomit. I had so many petitions that it just kept coming. I know you’ve felt this whether you’re yelling to God, the universe or to yourself it’s that feeling of surrender where you unselfishly give every fiber of your being to a feeling, a thought, an action. It’s been longer than I care to admit since I’ve done this. Jumped head first into an abyss and waited for what was put on my heart. The tears and prayers kept coming five minutes became ten and I found myself in my parking space clutching my steering wheel and crying… Ugly crying with every ounce of my body. In that time of prayer I had felt God sitting in the passenger seat beside me prompting me to continue. As I walked into work I decided it was a great day to see my friend. We’ve both been through the ringer lately and today seemed like the right day to catch up and it was. We talked for hours. Giving each other advice, crying and being present.

Background: I’ve been going through some of the worst life changes lately. Not only have I been down but I’ve been battling feelings of unworthyness and loneliness. I’ve pushed almost everyone away including God and haven’t cared up til today. My friend is recovering from a toxic marriage that left her lonely, broken and scared. She has two beautiful little boys who are products of a strong woman. They are resilient and amazing. She has faced persecution and felt the need to defend herself in the eyes of people who are supposed to love her.

As we talked we opened up. She took a leap of faith and confided in me about a recent sin that has been weighing heavily on her. I saw her heart and how torn she is from her sin and I couldn’t help but feel ashamed knowing my sins are inexcusable and much worse. We both sinned the same way the difference being my sin was 8th circle of hell worthy. After hours of talking, confiding, tears and feeling every spectrum of emotion I opened up about sins I’ve openly committed, sins I could have stopped myself from it didn’t. I showed her my heart and instead of casting me to the side she spoke to me, her words were like a healing balm on my soul. I’ve never opened up to anyone about my shame and when I finally did I was met with open arms, not condemnation. This is how it should be. The people in our lives we count on shouldn’t condemn us but love us right where we’re at.

We briefly spoke of how her friend, and I use that term loosely, convinced my friend to take certain action and now the fallout and consequences of that are breaking her further. I know in the end some good will come of it, but how much longer will she hate herself for something she has already been granted mercy from? I wanted to scream, “don’t you think she’s suffered enough?” I could feel my friend’s brokenness and her desire to fix the situation, to take it back, to make it right. It’s a brokenness I’ve lived in for far too long. Too bad there isn’t a time machine to fix mistakes. If there was how would we grow and learn?

There are so many days where I feel unworthy, not cared for and unimportant. We live in a world that tells us we’re not enough or too much while God tells us we’re perfect because we’re made in his image. I read this amazing book called Be Rebellious by Megan Clinton and wow was it amazing and thought provoking. The world we live in knows nothing of grace and forgiveness so in a world that wants to beat me down I’m going to continue to stand up. If I fall there’s always tomorrow.

  
Let me break it down. Here’s what being a follower of Christ means to me. (Not all reasons will be listed, only ones pertaining to this post)

  • He loves me even when I don’t love myself.
  • I am worthy of his love because I am his daughter.
  • His forgiveness comes as soon as I ask for it.
  • He won’t hold it against me.
  • I am called to forgive others just as he’s forgiven me.
  • A sure fire way to turn people away from him is to judge and condemn them.
  • Grace was meant for everyone. Peter denied him three times and he was still loved as much as the most faithful servant.

I just want to end this post by saying you aren’t alone. Whether you’re behavior is self destructive or hurts others you can turn it around. It’s not going to be easy but it’ll be worth it. Fight for yourself, be kind to yourself and most of all love yourself enough to make a change.

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One step forward two steps back…

That is exactly how my day is going today. You know those times when a loved one pressures you into doing something and you know it’s going to be awful but you say yes anyways? Well that was me today. 

My mother dragged me to a ladies’ tea at our church, which normally I would love because as 25 year olds go I’m kind of old school like that. Yes my future China pattern is going to be. So I’m looking at the program and I realize that my recent ex’s mom hosted a table at the event… seconds later her name was called and as she stood I was torn. Part of me wanted to run out of the room, the other half of me wanted to go up to her and tell her the kind of man her son is. 

I did neither. Instead, I held my head high as silent tears streamed down my cheeks I made my way to the restroom through the crowd, luckily I was alone, I held onto the sink and cried for what seemed like forever. Repeating over and over “I am beautiful, I am strong” after a good 15 minutes my message sunk in. I composed myself, put a smile on my face and walked back to my table. 

The rest of the event was excrushing. I wanted to leave, but I stayed knowing my mom would throw an epic fit if I did. So I endured, I suffered through it and you know what… I made it through and im still alive.

As I was listening to the guest speaker I realized her message was 100% for me and what I needed to hear. I’ve been harboring so much anger and hatred for someone and I need to let it go. Moving on may not happen immediately but I have to let go of the negative feelings and energy. They are holding me back from my own happiness. I’m not saying it’ll happen overnight, but I’m committed to trying.

A “few” hours later:

Now it’s not all good and great, I’m still exhausted partially from not getting to sleep till 6am from carpal tunnel killing my hands. But I feel better, I’m proud of myself for pulling it together and making it through the luncheon with at least a partial smile on my face.

I’ve spent the rest of the day with some much needed but not to excess retail therapy and I’m going to cuddle my squishy pup tonight and remind myself that “the sun’ll come out tomorrow”.  

Today’s loot below! The pictures don’t do the dresses justice.

   

And the wanderlust begins…

Top 3 places I want to run off to:

  1. Australia
  2. Seattle
  3. Dominican Republic

I’m getting the travel bug!! Realistically with hand surgery this summer and my festival season coming up in the fall I won’t be able to go until December and it’s probably too cold to enjoy my top 3 places. So… thoughts? Suggestions? Put them below!

The sun’ll come out tomorrow…

I swear those lyrics get stuck in my head everytime I’m feeling down and hopeless. But there ISIS much truth in them. No matter how dark things may seem you can count on that sun to rise in the morning… Unless you live in Alaska, and if that’s the case I’m sorry you’re SOL. So basically I’ve moved on to the anger stage and the “I’m better than that” phase rolled up into one not so neat little package. Let’s not go there tonight.

Hold up though, I want to talk about some awesome things happening. My next fest is less than a month away and I can’t wait! This has been the longest 4 months of my life and it’s just reassured me this is what I love to do and that it’s the life I want. I may always be traveling but at some point I’ll get to where I can take the pup with me and being away from home won’t suck so bad.

Turns out my older brother still owns his house here and I’m going to rent it from him  and fix it up so he and his wife can finally sell it. Looks like home improvement projects will be taking up a lot of my time and I’m okay with that. It’ll be a lot to handle bit good practice for my first home. Plus Edward, my dog, will have a backyard to run around in. Plus I won’t live so far from my friends or siblings and with a mall 5 min away what else can a girl ask for? 

So, lots of changes. A new house with tons of home improvements needed and more time on the road this fall. So far 1 show in April, 3 in October, 1 in November and 2 in December. Plus rumors of two more but we’ll see a girl can hope! I’m young, now is the time to satisfy my travel bug. (Assuming that it can be satisfied)

So basically when things look hopeless and dark and the mountain seems too big to climb just remind yourself “the sun’ll come out tomorrow.”