I’ve given the guy who broke my heart too much of my time. This weekend was the final straw. After telling me over and over how swamped he was and how he didn’t have time for anything let alone hanging out I see that he made time to go to Tampa. Well let me just stop right there. I’m done. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I will no longer be a doormat waiting for you to come back and in the wise words of T. Swift:
Here you are now Calling me up But I don’t know what to say I’ve been picking up the pieces of the mess you made People like you always want back the love they pushed aside But people like me are gone forever When you say goodbye
I’m setting myself free from you knowing darn well there’s something way better waiting for me.
I should say no. No to everything. No to talking, no to attempting something new, no to being a doormat. But, I just can’t say no, when he’s making an effort (small but effort nonetheless). I’m working on being stronger, never being the first to text. Waiting to respond. Making sure he realizes that he lost me not, I didn’t loose him. Motivational quotes only do so much and I’m not looking for any friendly lectures so I haven’t spoken to my friends about it. So for now, I’m comforted by the fact that I’m not alone and I know some of you out there have been in my shoes.
I want you to know some things. You are worth it so worth it. You are beautiful, you are strong, you are kind, loving and important. You matter. You matter to me, to your family, to your friends. So don’t give up. Selfishly I’m posting this for myself just as much as I am for you, but I guessing that’s okay. I want you to know you deserve to be someone’s first choice, not their second and not their third.
It’s so tough to hear what everyone keeps telling me. What I wrote above pretty much sums it up. Just sprinkle in a few ‘you’re better than he is’ and ‘you can do better'(s) in there and you’ve got the soundtrack of my life for the past two days. I’m trying so hard to believe it but I’m broken. Unbelievably broken. It reminds me of this song I used to listen to that holds so much truth, Gotye’s ‘Somebody I Used to Know.’ ((below for your auditory pleasure))
I’m trying so hard to make it through this post but as the tears flow freely down my cheeks and my head gets light I’m reminded of the sobering fact that I am weak and I am broken. No matter how hard I fight it I’m so angry and so hurt I can’t keep food down let alone water. I got woozy at work and passed out probably from dehydration. But if I know one thing the sun is going to come up tomorrow and it’s beautiful rays are going to help wash this pain away. This pit I’m in isn’t forever, it’s not permanent. God did not make me to be lonely, he made me to be happy and fulfilled. He made me to be strong. He made me in his image.
So I may not feel it tonight, probably not tomorrow but soon and once I’m past this… I’ll be that much stronger. Until then I just keep telling myself, “Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you or makes you happy.”
Confessions of a Twenty Something 