Wrecked…

 

Full disclosure I’m a bleeding heart and I’ve always had a deep connection to music. So the other day one of my friend’s posts a new song she found from RaeLynn called “Love Triangle”. It’s about divorce written from a child’s perspective. Normally these songs are written from the husband or the wife’s perspective and that’s probably why they don’t hit me like this one did.

I was standing in the laundry room and as I changed over the current load I cued up the song to play. Mistake alert!! I was not ready for the gut wrenching cry I was about to experience. This song brought me to my knees in every way imaginable. It broke me down and kicked me right in the feels. She perfectly describes what it feels like being stuck between two parents who are in the midst of a divorce. Hearing the beautiful melody took me back to my childhood and having to pack my bag for my dad’s house and all of the struggle that came with that. (Did I have pj’s that fit? Were my pants going to be too short this time?) So many thoughts running through my head that a 6 year old shouldn’t have to deal with. It took me back to all of the hurt I’ve kept down and ignored for years.

Naturally you’d think I’d listen to it once, realize it upsets me and move on to a happy song. But that’s just not my style. Maybe I’m a glutton for punishment. I continued to cry for the next four hours… taking me all the way up to 3:30am. Let’s just say the next day at work was brutal with a 7:30am meeting and a full day I headed into it with puffy eyes. Positives did come from it, I feel so much lighter though. That cry was cathartic and helped me to release pent up anger and hurt I had bottled up.

Here’s to moving on with a fresh outlook on my experience!

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Ouch… It’s Been so Long!

There’s things I wish for in life. More time is one of them. Since I’ve last shared with you so many things have changed. (Which I feel sums up the constant feeling of my late 20’s, but we’ll get to that)

  • I’ve gotten a new job!
  • I have an incredible boyfriend
  • I’ve moved into an adorable condo that’s smack in the middle of both of my families.
  • I’ve been forced into a gluten-free and dairy-free lifestyle. Thank you Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis

New Job: 

In December I interviewed and accepted a position as an Assistant Event Manager for a small firm in Orlando. Let me start out by saying I love my job, my boss, his family and our clients. I was the Assistant Event Manager/ Volunteer Coordinator/ Administrative Assistant/ ((Too many things to name)) for the FIRST ever He Got Up event in Orlando, FL. It was the most incredible event I’ve ever worked, even above all of the concerts! Just under 10k people were helped on Easter Sunday, 4k haircuts were provided, over 500 showers, 18 palates of free clothes were given away along with 8 palates of toys. DCF saw over 500 families, helped people understand the services that were available to them. It was an incredible experience and one I’m looking forward to doing again next year.

I also did the Citrus Bowl Parade which was exciting up until I broke out in hives because as luck would have it I’m allergic to citrus. Overall, riding a police escort around Orlando was pretty exciting and the parade went off without a hitch.

Incredible Boyfriend: 

Let me start off with the disclaimer… we met on Bumble. I’ve gone on Bumble dates before but this one was different. We messaged back and forth for a week and he kept postponing our dates off because he was sick. The third time he postponed I started loosing hope and as a last ditch effort I re-scheduled for Tuesday, the day before I was leaving to London on vacation for two weeks. Because fate is a fickle witch she got me good. It turns out my flight for London was Tuesday night so this time I had to cancel our date… on the last possible day before leaving. He was such a trooper. He was positive and told me we could meet up when I got back.

We continued to talk while I was gone, he asked about my hotel and how I was holding up being overseas alone. On my birthday he surprised me with flowers! It was epically awesome.

We FaceTimed while I was gone and I knew I liked him from what I knew. He also volunteered to pick me up from the airport. He did and now the rest is as they say history…

New Condo:

Not too much to say aside from its perfectly located and super nice, aside from the cat stains from the previous tenants it’s awesome!!

New Lifestyle Diet:

This one was so not my choice but on my last day of vacation in Nashville my doctor called and diagnosed me with Hashimoto’s Thyroiditus which essentially means I can’t have any dairy or gluten for the foreseeable future. The transition hasn’t been an easy one but my family and boyfriend have been extremely supportive and encouraging. Here’s to hoping I continue to be successful on this journey. Wish me luck!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ghosting

Ghosted Playlist

Have you heard of it? I guess I’m out of the loop because I didn’t know rude, disrespectful and uncaring had a new name in the dating game. So for reference…

Ghosting: The act of suddenly ceasing all communication with someone the subject is dating, but no longer wishes to date. This is done in hopes that the ghostee will just “get the hint” and leave the subject alone, as opposed to the subject simply telling them he/she is no longer interested.

Have you ever had a moment where you’re reading an article you stumbled on and all of a sudden it’s as if the idea lightbulbs are flashing all over the place and what you’re reading is so true you could have written it yourself? Thinking back the majority of the first dates I’ve had in the past two years where I met the guy online have ended with be being ghosted. Whether it was before the first date happened or a few in it’s become socially acceptable. #Growingupagirl isn’t easy, and anyone who says it is… is clearly a man.

As women we’re taught:

  1. To let the man pursue us.
  2. To not come off as ‘too interested.’
  3. To wait until he calls/ texts/ emails first.

These lessons are taught to us not only by our mothers who try to pass on loving advice, we see them played out on our favorite TV shows and movies. There are literally thousands of books written on the ‘art of dating’. I can’t help but feel like this ideal tells young women they should be less. Less caring, less loving, less interested, less intense, less passionate, less amazing… just less. I came to this realization during a long talk with my dear friend Isabel. During our conversation we complained about how we’re the last single ones in our friend groups. After a rant that consisted of me “cryelling” (crying and yelling at the same time, it’s not as easy as it sounds promise) I shouted that I’m tired of being told to be less. This opened the flood gates. We shared with each other all the times we’ve been told we were doing ‘too much’ for our current love interest. Whether it’s showing too much interest or making ourselves too available.

Recently I was bopping around the internet and I came across an article that I’ve fallen in love with. Pardon the crass title but it’s called Fuck Yes or No by Mark Manson. Now, I may be biased because I think Mark’s work is inspired and amazing but reading his article and vowing to follow it’s principles has transformed how I view potential relationships and even friendships. I’m done with being told I need to be less of anything. I’ve started applying the principles from his article to my life and it’s made all the difference.

My challenge for you is to apply the principles of Fuck Yes or No to your life. It won’t be easy at first because if you’re anything like me and allow your self to get your hopes up taking this forward approach can be intimidating. You have to be prepared to call it quits at any time and know that the one your supposed to be with is still out there. But wasting your time with someone who isn’t as into you as you are to them is just that… a waste of time.

A closing thought: You are strong, you are beautiful, you are enough. Never feel like you need to be less of anything, EVER.

The F*ck Yes! 

http://markmanson.net/fuck-yes#.eswykl:QBQg

An acquaintance just posted this on her Facebook timeline and it’s pretty EPIC. As someone who has always tried to ‘play along with the relationship games’ I’m done. 

**Steps up on soapbox**

If a guy isn’t as excited date me as I am to date him then why bother? Really? All it does is lead to me laying awake at night asking myself these stupid questions… “Why didn’t he text?”, “was he really busy?”, “Did I do something wrong?” Enough is enough. I’m worthy of more than a casual nod. I mean half these guys act like they’re doing me a favor… REALLY? Come on now. 

/rant

Letting go and moving on…

I’ve given the guy who broke my heart too much of my time. This weekend was the final straw. After telling me over and over how swamped he was and how he didn’t have time for anything let alone hanging out I see that he made time to go to Tampa. Well let me just stop right there. I’m done. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I will no longer be a doormat waiting for you to come back and in the wise words of T. Swift: 

Here you are now
Calling me up
But I don’t know what to say
I’ve been picking up the pieces of the mess you made
People like you always want back the love they pushed aside
But people like me are gone forever
When you say goodbye

I’m setting myself free from you knowing darn well there’s something way better waiting for me. 

What I should do v What I’m doing…

I should say no. No to everything. No to talking, no to attempting something new, no to being a doormat. But, I just can’t say no, when he’s making an effort (small but effort nonetheless). I’m working on being stronger, never being the first to text. Waiting to respond. Making sure he realizes that he lost me not, I didn’t loose him. Motivational quotes only do so much and I’m not looking for any friendly lectures so I haven’t spoken to my friends about it. So for now, I’m comforted by the fact that I’m not alone and I know some of you out there have been in my shoes.

How did you handle it?

Are you where you thought you’d be? So beautiful and only 23.

Those are lyrics from one of my most favorite Anberlin songs, Alexhithmia

 Get ready for another confession: I’ve always wanted to be further than where I am. When I was in high school I couldn’t wait to be done and in college. When I was in college I just wanted to graduate and be out in the work world and now that I am all I want is to find the guy I’m supposed to spend my life with and get started. I have almost everything I want except the one thing my heart is begging for, someone to share this amazing life with.

Social: 

Okay, I’ll come out and say it… I don’t drink, at all. It’s a personal choice and I don’t hold it against people if they do. But because I don’t frequent bars or work with people close to my age I’ve noticed my options for making friends are limited and I’ve started to rely on the Internet. Probably too much because it’s not working. 

Relationships: 

Many, well MOST, of my friends are getting engaged, married or having babies. The ones that aren’t are in serious long term relationships and I’m here. Alone. No boyfriend, no promising dates at least both this week, and no one to come home to. 

Work:

I love my job like LOVE my job but here’s the thing… It’s not full time. Which means in between shows I suppliment with substitute teaching. The plus side is im able to save all of my festival money the downside is working with small children is not something I want to do.

Financial:

I do well for myself. My bills are always paid, I have money “left over” and I have a healthy savings account and no debt, at all. So, you’re probably shaking your head wondering what I have to complain about. Well… I could always be better prepared. I see my friends able to go on trips and visit exotic places and I realize that isn’t in the cards for me right now. That’s when my mom’s perfect sense of timing comes along and she says to me, “sweetheart all of these friends traveling have a second income, they have someone else helping to pay the bills, helping to buy the groceries, and you’re just you. One income, that’s all.”  In some ways it makes me feel better in others it makes me feel worse. 

But each day I wake up and I commit myself to being happy and loving myself right where im at. So just remember to “good things come to those who wait.”

The sun’ll come out tomorrow…

I swear those lyrics get stuck in my head everytime I’m feeling down and hopeless. But there ISIS much truth in them. No matter how dark things may seem you can count on that sun to rise in the morning… Unless you live in Alaska, and if that’s the case I’m sorry you’re SOL. So basically I’ve moved on to the anger stage and the “I’m better than that” phase rolled up into one not so neat little package. Let’s not go there tonight.

Hold up though, I want to talk about some awesome things happening. My next fest is less than a month away and I can’t wait! This has been the longest 4 months of my life and it’s just reassured me this is what I love to do and that it’s the life I want. I may always be traveling but at some point I’ll get to where I can take the pup with me and being away from home won’t suck so bad.

Turns out my older brother still owns his house here and I’m going to rent it from him  and fix it up so he and his wife can finally sell it. Looks like home improvement projects will be taking up a lot of my time and I’m okay with that. It’ll be a lot to handle bit good practice for my first home. Plus Edward, my dog, will have a backyard to run around in. Plus I won’t live so far from my friends or siblings and with a mall 5 min away what else can a girl ask for? 

So, lots of changes. A new house with tons of home improvements needed and more time on the road this fall. So far 1 show in April, 3 in October, 1 in November and 2 in December. Plus rumors of two more but we’ll see a girl can hope! I’m young, now is the time to satisfy my travel bug. (Assuming that it can be satisfied)

So basically when things look hopeless and dark and the mountain seems too big to climb just remind yourself “the sun’ll come out tomorrow.” 

Finding Happiness in the Little Things

I’m a firm believer that little things can make all the difference. Today I find myself at my “just for fun job” working at a school with toddlers when one who never gives hugs comes up to me and says “hug please”. I of course obliged and she wrapped her little arms around me and held on so tight. All of the pain and heartbreak I’ve been feeling ceased to exist for those two minutes. It’s like she knew I needed it and when silent tears rolled down my cheeks she let go and wiped them away. She’ll never know what her needing a hug actually did for me but I’ll always remember it and how it subsided my aching heart.

So today I’m re-committing my love for finding beauty in the little things and finding happiness from within. My heart is still mending but it doesn’t mean I can’t help it along. If you’re struggling I hope you find small comfort and happiness in something beautiful today. Something often overlooked or ignored. Because you, dear sweet one, deserve happiness.